Corpus Christi 2009
One of the stark images from the Report on Abuse in Ireland was the spontaneous remarks of a victim on an Irish Talk Show, when he shockingly noted that his abuser would treat him shamefully at night and give him Holy Communion the next morning. I find the contrast arresting and my initial reaction was,”How could this be?” “What capacity for double think would allow a priest to hold such starkly incompatible realities together without breaking?” Surely the very nature of what Eucharist is would make the juxtaposition with such sin impossible for one with any kind of conscience? A coffee induced sleepless night, awaked some of my own rather different demons, and allowed me to appreciate just how easy such unity of opposites is.
I have remarked before that my relatively mild exterior masks a capacity for anger, rage even, that is no less powerful for been kept out of the public eye. Those in my more intimate circle, with whom I less guarded, will ruefully agree. In my night of semi-wakefulness, an old grievance reemerged and quite spiteful scenarios of revenge began to play themselves out in my mind. The existence of this carefully cosseted grievance is not in itself remarkable, forgiveness is less easy that then textbooks suggest, but the scenarios involved delivering a very dramatic snub to my supposed nemesis on the occasion of a celebration of my anniversary of priesthood. The snub would be deliciously public, and delivered with the unassailable rigorousness of one who has suffered much, and were I to do it would give me a great deal of pleasure. In the cold light of morning, while I can not quite surrender the possibility, I probably won’t do it, and certainly I would regret it afterwards. What the tossing and turning did was remind me, just how deep the lack of forgiveness goes, and yet I will soon celebrate Mass with that un-repented anger still not attended to.
I am finding that my thinking on the Mass is adapting to challenge these deep seated passions. In the past, I would have been much more aware of the communal celebration of the Mass, the gathering of the community, the breaking of the Bread and the sharing of the Lord’s Body and Blood. Very important themes, but they run the risk of degenerating into a parody where we all join hands and sing “kumbya”. The demons that were amenable to exorcism by such an approach have long since been banished, or at least have their bags packed. The ones that remain stubbornly unmoved need a more robust engagement which I am discovering in the theme of the Sacrifice of the Mass.
A prayer card, common here in China, shows the priest holding up the Chalice to receive drops of blood directly from the side of Christ. A graphic rendering of an understanding of Mass as Sacrifice. This theme has been rather less stressed since the Liturgical reforms, and I would have been among those who dismissed it as passé. Now it increasingly demands my attention. It too has its shadow side, and needs to be anchored in a confidence of God’s overwhelming love for each one of us. Within that framework, it invites one to face into the terrible consequences of Sin, something I could more easily avoid in other Eucharistic spiritualities. When I celebrate Mass, I am not just remembering a past event, but by a miracle of grace I am present at Calvary. Present, not as a disinterested onlooker, attracted by the festival atmosphere of a public execution, but as one who knows that the Christ is dying for my lack of forgiveness. I am asked to look at what I have done without turning away. My recalcitrant demons would prefer “kumbaya” and the chummy niceness of a nonthreatening communal Meal. The blood and gore of the Sacrifice makes them uncomfortable and challenges their security.
By extension, my understanding of Holy Communion is adjusting also. I have always thought of ‘Communion as “Bread for the Journey”, and such a reflection is still very meaningful for me. But a renewed awareness of the Sacrifice of the Mass requires modification here also. Receiving the Body and Blood of Christ as a sharing in Christ’s Sacrifice for me, is a somber experience when compared to the upbeat “Power-of-Positive-Thinking” mood I associate with “Holy Communion as nourishment “. Where as one might rush to eat the Bread that might keep one going, this celebrant hesitates before eating the Flesh of one who died not just for sin, but for My sins.
As Catholics, the Eucharist is at the centre of our spirituality, but we risk cheapening it power to transform, by reducing it to the merely conventional expression of our Faith. Convention is concerned only with the exterior, and since I probably won’t carry through on my coffee induced revenge scenarios, my conventional religious observance is not at issue. More to the point is the holding on to my un-forgiveness while still celebrating the forgiveness won for us by Christ’s sacrifice-the Mass. I seem able to hold the opposites in tension, and I suspect will still be able to do so unless I keep returning to Calvary and forcing my demons to look steadily at the One they have pierced.
